Talk About Your Trauma, Understand Your Pain

How Sexual Assault at a young age has impacted the way I grew up and viewed sex.

Trigger Warning: This Article Uses explicit language and discusses sexual assault.

When I was four years old, I had my first woman. No, seriously, I had my first woman. At the time I was living with a family that wasn’t mine. A woman with a son and a daughter. The son was the oldest, let’s say 17. The daughter was a little younger: 14, maybe 15.

She and I played together, a lot. Sometimes we would play hide and seek and one day, in a house full of kids, we all decided to play. She took me away to hide; we went under the bed in an empty room. At first, nothing happened. Then she took my hand and put it in her crotch. She told me to move my fingers around, so I did until she made me stop. She pulled me from under the bed and told me not to tell anyone, “this would be our little game.” This went on for a couple of months until I moved on to the next family.

The next family I stayed with was much smaller, it was only me, a mom and her daughter. The daughter was in her late teens, maybe 16 or 17. She would babysit me when her mom went to work; that was always interesting. When we were alone, she would make me feel her breast, and practice tongue kissing. It was our little game. I even got into it, when her friends were around, I would ask her to let me kiss her and rub her thighs, sometimes she let me, and her friends would watch in amazement, other times she would get annoyed and put me in timeout. I was 5. I never thought too deeply about these experiences until I was much older, I’m still not a 100% sure I have a right to feel violated by these women, I’m a boy, aren’t I supposed to jump at any opportunity for pussy, no matter the age, isn’t that the goal?

When I was 12, I told my friend Howard about one of these encounters, and he was impressed. “Damn Stan, you were getting pussy that early? I know your dad was mad proud.” Howard’s praise made me feel good, it made me feel powerful, it made me feel like my dad. After that, I never questioned what happened to me as a small child, because getting pussy made me as cool as my Father.